I reached the point of suicide only one brief time in my life. It was 5 years ago this week in November of 2013.

I had gone into “an existential crisis” while preparing a photo memory collage of myself and others during my time as a teenager in the 1990s for my 20th Class Reunion. I was sleep deprived, overworked, lived a toxic lifestyle, and was harboring years of repressed trauma.

My life at that time included a past of many years of antipsychotic drug ingestion (approx 15 years), high levels of GMO food, bad town water, overtoxicity from extreme makeup use, massive quantities of caffeine (up to 6 espresso Biggby Carmel Marvels each day!), toxicity from massive honey use, toxicity from mold in my basement, toxicity from household cleaning chemicals (I had a fetish for polishing metal knick knacks) and the unsafe removal of 4 MERCURY AMALGAM FILLINGS which were in my brain and body tissue.

After I was released from the psych ward in July of 2013, after missing that 20th class reunion, I then, upon advice from someone, made an appointment with a local homeopathic specialist. This was within days of having been pumped full with many neurotoxins in hospital.

I went home and although I was still somewhat gone, did this homeopathic remedy that included 23 or so vials of mysterious stuff. The instructions said to have someone sit with you during the entire day of doing the first set of vials.

I don’t know how many vials I went through that day, but I did take the one that said it was for the BRAIN, specifically to detox metals from the brain; metals including Mercury.

Upon completion of that vial, I turned into Bugs Buggy, literally, and my boyfriend at the time saw me go completely and utterly berserk. He was scared to death. Our relationship ended, and I was left alone after escaping from the ER he brought me to, before they committed me again.

Over the next several weeks, the devil appeared in my house, and I endured being completely batshit crazy. I started to look for a way out. There was no way out…the only help would have been getting locked up again, away from my cats, Mazzy and Beega, and unable to smoke, my go to self-soothing coping mechanism.

So I went to my friends’ shop and asked her for some styrofoam. I told her I was blocking off my upstairs to save $$ for the winter. I went home and attached it to my kitchen doorway, intending to gas myself with the stove fumes in my little kitchen.

I somehow stopped. I really wanted to live. I was truly messed up but I did not want to leave my cats, Mazzy and Beega, or my family up North. And I really, really wanted a cigarette.

Today, as a result of this information, 2020 Hindsight, and more info than I can put here, I now truly feel that this “Bipolar” label I was given 20 years ago is pure bullshit. I feel that I was (am) toxic from the neurotoxins given to me (and then FORCED on me from Nov 2016- Nov 2017 by LAW) to correct a ficticious “chemical imbalance”, AS WELL AS toxicity from several other areas. I think a LOT of people labeled are suffering purely from toxicity.

I know I was (am).


See here:

“A History of Mercury Poisoning”



“So you think you know where madness lies?”

My answer was a convinced and heartfelt, “Yes.”

—The Psychedelic Experience

A manual based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead By Timothy Leary, Ph.D., Ralph Metzner, Ph.D., & Richard Alpert, Ph.D.


Stupid? I don’t think so.

Sisu. Definitely Sisu.


I was young once, not that long ago. I had left my very strict fundamentalist childhood church at age 12 (my parent’s divorce caused our ex-communication) and I began experimenting at that young age with the previously banned altered states of consciousness brought on by substances, specifically alcohol. Eventually, at 16, I was introduced to marijuana. I took to both like a duck to water. I was in emotional turmoil and it was the perfect hiding place.

When I moved downstate for freshman year at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, I found myself surrounded by friends deeply immersed in the 90s Rave culture. The use of ecstacy, crystal meth, and opium made their scenic appearances and I was introduced to the world of hallucinogenic mushrooms and LSD. Since my modus operandi was always to be one to “go with the flow”, I began to experiment.

In the leaving behind of my church’s dogma, I explored the religions of the world, even taking a class on World Religions. In my learnings, I came across the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, and that naturally led me to discovering Timothy Leary’s Book “The Psychedelic Experience.” I tape recorded the entire book in my own voice, took mushrooms, and then listened to it with a friend. Several times. I was maybe 19 or 20.

I experienced many amazing “trips” during the 4-5 years I used mushrooms and LSD. I had mind blowing insights into the meaning of life, awe-inspiring conversations, and produced some works that helped me start my life-path as a creator.

There were also a couple really, really “bad trips”. I fell into some vividly dark spots of my soul/psyche/personality. I felt like I was dying, like I was losing my sense of self. I encountered a great fear within myself, an ancient terror. I always managed to regain ground after the appropriate time, and filed it all away as a learning experience.

Then, at age 23, in 1998, I had my first experience “tripping” without taking any substances. It started out amazing. It resulted in my first hospitalization and the label of Bipolar. It has since turned into my biggest nightmare; resonating in the life I live today, vehemently fighting the mainstream medical model and the courts against the forced drugging of my body.

In essence, I feel that I would be an amazing person today had I not encountered psychiatry. The ‘exploration’ AND the ‘explosion’ of altered states of consciousness should not be labled, repressed and drugged away. They should be loved, supported, honored, and guided by people of a compassionate and learned nature.

There are great gifts there to be found, and the kids are gonna do it with or without our help. It is up to those of us who have survived emotional distress, dissolution of the ego, and spiritual awakening to adequately warn and guide the youth in exploring their consciousness.

So please, if you want to explore things like “The Psychedelic Experience” on hallucinogens, be prepared for a possible complete upheaval of all you have known. Be aware that the dangers of being medicated by those who have never had such experiences are very great, and can be impossible to avoid if you have great distress during your “trip” and someone reports you. Take my forewarning that although I deeply don’t regret such exploration of my own consciousness, I wish I had known of the actual real dangers inherent in our psychiatrized society as it currently exists today; real dangers of being diagnosised, such as losing your career, being injected by court order with neurotoxins, losing your house, being held down and injected in hospital, losing your physical health, and completely losing your human rights.

In a more loving, just and equal world, I would be respected as an awakening Shaman. Instead, I am looked upon as crazy, and a waste of space, resources and energy. Do not get caught by Psychiatry. In my humble opinion, if you encounter the mainstream mental health system, “Run quickly the other way.”

Madness lies in the mainstream biomedical model of psychiatry. This I know for certain.

Jill Kesti



Cognitive Dissonance 


the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

Dis-Ease starts in the mind…

By first clarifying what your thoughts & beliefs actually are (by quieting down, turning off the distractions a little more, and a little more & then actually listening to hear what you are actually thinking [aka Meditation]) and then aligning your external actions with them (ie. Walkin the Talk), you can help your mind & body’s natural state come back into balance and positive health. 

Example 1: if you believe killing is wrong and a sin yet you support war, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 2 : if you talk sweetly to someone you are thinking nasty thoughts about, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 3 : if you believe eating/drinking toxic foods is bad for you but eat them anyway, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 4: if you judge someone in thought as inferior due to class, race, gender, ethnicity or any other label, and also claim out loud or to your self that you believe in equality for all people, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 5: if you were indoctrinated by a dogmatic system of beliefs as a child that are next to impossible to adhere to in the modern world, and as an adult you continually “violate the rules” your inner child was taught, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 6: if you are male and think you want a girlfriend who is chaste, pure, loyal, and like your grandmother was to you as a child, but you are addicted to porn and secretly consider all women to be whores, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 7: If you tell your kids they better not ever smoke, drink or do drugs, but you do (even if not in front of them), you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 8: if you think this world is a shitty place but you don’t make any effort to improve it, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Example 9: if your job is destroying the Earth and yet you believe you want to help the Earth because you love her/him/it, you have conflicting belief & action systems. 

Imagine a computer (ie. your body, which includes the brain and all other systems) with all its databases of varying messages/thoughts/remembered memories/unremembered memories/joys/traumas/etc. 

If you continually give that computer opposing orders on top of opposing orders, you eventually cause circuitry to be crossed…over time, enough wiring gets crossed, and soon small fires can begin burning out some of the systems (a heart attack here, allergies there, little stroke here, complete psychosis there);  eventual overload can occur. 

With the massive explosion of technology and the flooding of information about our neighbors eating habits, world communications of disasters AS they happen (911, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc), true historical accounts of genocide as opposed to “settlers”, conspiracy theories, opposing health information, better understanding of how world mythologies became modern religions, religious control, government control, Big Pharma’s casualties …etc, now flinging through the airwaves across all cultures, the result is (I think) a massive undercurrent of confusion in the human consciousness. That is why we are seeing such an increase in the epidemic of illness – emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc.; unfortunately we, as a human race, are still clinging to worn out paradigms, world-views and limited perspectives, and are still treating the symptoms, not the root causes of the overall unrest. 

I am only sincerely trying to help with this post by sharing some of the insights I have had while working on some of my own psychological body/mind/spirit (what I call my own personal holy trinity 😇) rebalancing. Do not take any of these examples as necessarily applying to you personally, as they are just a drop in the ocean of potential belief systems around the world that many have. 

Please, if you start to notice these mixed qualities in yourself, (from my own perspective I saw about a quadrazillion within my own mind when I started really “look” and “see”) do not despair…seeing can often be painful, bring up buried feelings of guilt, shame, trauma, etc. Always remember that you are a human being who has been conditioned since birth by people conditioned since birth by people conditioned since birth, (and possibly also over several lifetimes – who knows? Last I checked we still don’t have any solid evidence of what happens after we die).

Deep down at the core of your being YOU ARE LOVE and are loved by God, Buddha, Mohammed, Allah, your family, yourself, your cat, your inner child, your spouse, your mother, your kids, your father, Mother Nature, your highest self, the Angels…who/whatever you feel is an authentic source of goodness and light. You are not to be blamed, it’s not your “fault” in any way, but once you recognize that you are a tad bit or even a whole lot “out of whack”, you’ll have to start doing the sometimes very difficult work to recreate the balance inherent within you, that innate balance that each and every one of us has at the core of our being and is definitely capable of achieving.

Then? Just do the work…figure out what you believe by starting to question yourself. Sometimes talking it out to yourself out loud helps one to slowly begin disentangling the opposing belief systems. Find the ones of most value, quality and most reflective of your highest self, and then just stick to it and start applying action to your choice beliefs with small changes….giving yourself a lot of time, forgiveness & unconditional love while doing so. If you choose not to, that’s okay, too…we all have the amazingly awesome gift of free will. 

8 billion blessings of balanced health to “All my friends” 🙂

Jill S. Kesti

Human Being

Originally written May 20, 2015